SHE WILL LEAVE

Today, she will be curled up next to you on the bed. The freezing cold outside keep drawing you closer. You will soon get rolled up between the sheets, showering each other in kisses. You will move your hands over her warmth, feeling every perfect curve of her body. The kisses will grow intense, at one point you will cup her face and look into her beautiful eyes; you will see something you can only describe as love.

You will not be sure; by then you will be thinking with your small head more than the big head. This will be confirmed when you ask her to keep your baby.

This was not meant to happen. You were not meant to be close, let alone have her at your house in this moment. You couldn’t have imagined of this day the first time you met, 7 years ago, in campus. Her first day in the institution, and you were on your last academic year. You were doing door to door sales of wall paintings to the new students. Striking when hot, to sell before they realized that alcohol is way better than art. It sure is.

Your calculations did not get on point, most told you to return after they settled. Some didn’t understand why they would need art in the first place, and others were still protected with parents who thought selling the pieces was a ploy to get to their daughters.

Well, except her. She bought your painting and was considering even taking another. You exchanged contacts, promising to keep in touch.

Like several other contacts you collect, you did not call her. She did not even cross your mind until the next time you met. She inquired why you never called.

“I keep looking at my phone, hoping it will ring with a notification bearing your name.” You said.

She texted a few days later. You replied coldly and hastily fizzled out the conversation.

Not that you didn’t find her pretty or anything. She was beautiful by any measurable standards, fine boobs and a smile that could set Lake Victoria ablaze. She ticked most of your boxes. Still, you had a feeling that if that day happened to be a market day for girlfriends then most probably you were not going back home with her. Maybe it was something with her maroon dyed short hair or just the fact that you are not the promiscuous type.

The next time you met on a cold random evening. She had company. A guy, they were holding hands. You soon learnt they were dating. The guy was a distant friend whom you share a number of mutual friends.

She broke the hold and took you in an embrace, finding a way to ask why you have never communicated again. To which you said the same thing. You were waiting for her to communicate.

You did not meet again until the next semester. You learnt by then they had moved in with the boyfriend. Not really moved in, they were staying in the same compound yet different hostels. She kept hitting you up on WhatsApp from time to time. With time you started warming up to her and even got to asking about the boyfriend. She forbade you from talking about it.

She asked to come to your place. You agreed. She came with a friend. You liked her vibes.

She invited you to her place for pilau. You went with a friend. She made it worth your time. That still remains one of the best pilau you ever had. And you are a well traveled man.

That day you made out.

Communications became more frequent.

One time you were around her place and asked to see her. When you knocked, she didn’t allow you entry. The boyfriend was in. She took you behind the hostel and you locked lips, darkness playing its role of giving cover. That moment stuck with you long after.

Your last day in campus; you had given out almost everything so you had no packing to do. You felt like doing one last irresponsible act as a break of the laid back and shy campus life you had lived. You put on your black jacket and baseball cap, pass by the cake shop to buy her a cup cake, and then head to her place. As usual the boyfriend was in. You asked her to your place.

That day you shagged for the first time. The first and last (at least in your mind). She showered immediately you finished. Washing away her sins, you thought. Then returned her to the boyfriend.

You felt bad for the guy, but cooled your conscience thinking, “Only one time, and as long as he doesn’t know, we are good.”

From the turn of events, you were wrong.

You were not meant to grow feelings. Going back to visit her some more time in school was not in the cards. You were not to like how she makes you feel. To feel anything in the first place was sacrilegious. You were to not to let her make you those great morning omelets. What were you thinking when you introduced her to part of the family?

And here you are, asking her to be the mother of your baby.

You can’t understand how it all happened. You don’t know if it’s the moments like this one between the sheets, or you are just settling. You wonder if it’s how much she gifts you. Her sense of humor; you already have those inside jokes that cracks you up even without words. Or just how she makes you feel complete. Or a whole big fall back plan. You are yet to know.

You have also had your bad moments. At times you have gone for months without speaking. She comes back. She always does. At times she’s got mad at you for not keeping in touch and only looking for her at your convenience. You still got good. Some days you thought whatever it is, is over. But still here you are.

“Why do you love me so much?” You once asked.

“Nothing exact, I only know I always feel like being with you. And I always find a way of coming back to you even when I feel I shouldn’t anymore.”

“Keep up the love.” You said jokingly.

All this you have done on the backdrop of FEAR. Fear that history has a way of repeating itself. Fear of the law of compensation. The fear that one time someone will be a you. And you will be the boyfriend.

You dread the thought that one time a guy will come to your place. Go away with your girl and return her back to you after shagging. Only this time, she will be your wife. The mother of your children. The bearer of your name.

You imagine what the then boyfriend felt when he texted asking about you and the lady. The lady had confessed and even sent you the screenshots. The guy breaking his own heart by asking for details. And boy was he given the details.

Deep down you knew that when a partner confesses to cheating, they never do it to patch up things but rather to drive the other away.

It kills you to imagine the possibility of you one time confronting another dude to ask how they know your lady. You wonder if that other guy will have your kind of decency to try cover it up. To say that’s just a regular lady who they say hi and nothing has ever happened. You wonder if they will understand they owe it to the men out here to protect egos and manhood of fellow men.

The more feelings you grow for her, the more these thoughts cloud your mind. You will do what any rightful man should do, you will ask, “Things have a way of repeating themselves. Now that I got you from another guy, what’s the probability of that happening to us?”

“Back then I was a kid. I am all grown now.”

You somehow liked the fact that she did not get defensive. You liked the reassuring tone on her voice when she said it. You will engage your big head one more time. It will stand with your decision that you are ready to bring a human being to this world, and take care of them the best way possible; with her.

At times it’s important you enjoy the moment and let the future come with whatever it has. If she leaves, you will be messed you know, but you will fight till when you won’t no more. At times people leave, irrespective of where you get them from.

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This piece was penned by an amazing writer called Lewis Martin. He owed me an article and finally delivered this beautiful piece (I did not edit shit on this piece). You can read more of his work on his blog here. He co-owns the blog with my twin Paula Norah who I recently discovered, works in the same building with me! Small world huh? Guest writers can reach me on my email agnesopondo@gmail.com

Alafu kama unauza avocado na hujui kuchagulia customer avocado yenye imeiva, hell fire awaits you muthafucka! 

Nice week ahead.