My Office Boyfriend

My office boyfriend is called John, such a botanical name huh? He works in the IT department and is quite tall, light skinned (why don’t I tag him on the light skinned dudes’ memes though?) and has a penchant for getting on my nerves. But just hold that thought there I will get back to him.

I got my very first ever serious job when I was in campus. It was a gig that I did during the long holidays. Basically I was a promoter. Not the ones that Khaligraph and King Kaka diss on their songs but a product promoter. I did product promotion in supermarkets. It was a tedious job as I had to stand the whole day convincing shoppers to try the brands I worked for. Despite that, I loved the fact that it enabled me to make my own money. Miss independent tings. I remember the joy I had when I got my first pay cheque. Damn! Money can buy happiness.

After clearing campus, I was lucky enough to get a paid internship after 2 months of tarmacking. I remember how happy dad was. He told me to go out there and kick major butt like the winner he raised (damn that old man could gas you up). Mum was happy too but on the eve of my first day at work, she gave a lecture on how to behave at work as an intern. A huge chunk of the lecture was on office relationships. She told me how the corporate world is filled with shameless men who have an insatiable appetite for young and vulnerable female interns. How an intern’s salary was too meager to raise a child (as in whatever you do, just don’t get pregnant).

She spoke of bosses and clients who will want sex in exchange for favors. Mum went on to warn me against office relationships as according to her, women were always the biggest losers whenever the relationships fell apart. “Let no man lie to you that he will give up his career or job for you.” She quipped. She even reminded me of how her and dad had worked so hard to raise a decent human being called Agnes. She also when ahead to advise me on how I to handle sexual harassment at work (my mum is a HR officer) and those were some good tips. I listened to her wondering why God gave me such a dramatic mother. Then I heard her say “Agie Nyathina” and I knew that the lecture came from her heart of hearts. She only calls us Nyathina (meaning my child) when things are serious. On this note I want to take this opportunity to apologize to every male colleague or client who dealt with me when I was an intern, our interactions were pretty awkward and I am so sorry for that. I was just trying to make mama proud hahaha!

So where were we? Ooh John! So this guy joined the organization as an intern just like me. And since I was there a few months before him, I was like a superior intern mbikos I knew my way around things before him hohoho! We got along quite well and because we were pretty much in the same phase of life, we had a lot to talk about. When I started blogging on my WordPress blog, I remember him telling me to have my own site. It was a brilliant idea but at the time, I was not sure about this blogging thing plus I could not afford it… broke ass intern. He then told me that he wouldn’t charge me much because he understood my poverty hohoho and we would even have a payment arrangement that wouldn’t hurt my fiscal plan and stuff. I must admit that I admired how he always had a solution for every problem. Every time I would give up on anything, John would always say, “No wait why don’t we change how we do things?”

We still work together but we are no longer interns. We have worked together on several projects and have had both good and bad times in the course of it. John once told me, our boss had intimated to him that he thought the two of us made a good team. And I agree. I totally do. He is easy to work with. We strive to always deliver good results in all our duties. The key to us working together successfully is and has always been a lot of teamwork, and healthy dose of arguments. Yeah, we are always arguing because we don’t think alike. Sometimes we pick up unnecessary quarrels with each other just to get on each other’s nerves. It is some form of therapy aki. Our cordial relationship has made us feature in the headlines of office gossip several times. I have lost count of the number of times we have had to address the relationship rumors. Two colleagues ever grilled me in Dholuo during tea break. They wanted to know if I had decided to embrace the so called Handshake because they could almost bet their entire salary that John (who is Kikuyu) and I were a couple. Wueh! Yaani our office relationship can’t prosper? Heiras!!! Kwani Kenyan politics still determine who we marry?

John and I share tons of inside jokes. By the way John even though you can be such a pain, thank you for laughing at my jokes, it means a lot to me (oh no! Now this idiot is going to roast my ass over lunch hour because of this kind of information). I like to imagine that my dad was generous enough gave me a drop of some rib cracking genes. Our office relationship has seen it all, relationship rumors, endless aunty wa harrier memes, more memes, resignation rumors and even an intense project that almost tore us apart. But God has been faithful. Hatuachani hata mseme nini. We go for lunch together at our usual base where we spend the lunch break making fun of each other amid phone call interruptions on John’s phone. This dude is always on a phone call sealing a deal or two. A true hustler. Things must be looking up if the pouch he has been nursing is anything to go by. And before you accuse me of body shaming, have you had the jokes this guy makes about the size of my forehead? John is terrible at texting (just like many other men) so he prefers to call me just to ruin my day. He also claims to have 5 wives. Lakini ile kujichocha watu hujichocha hii Kenya! Please get a wife kijana uwache kutusumbua akili. John ukiendelea hivi nitakusema venye uliiba stapler yangu. Who steals a whole stapler? *Rolls eyes* nkt! During his free time he likes to send me annoying threats like the one below. John, HR will hear of this.

I know, his handwriting is terrible. Late last year John finally convinced me to marry him……… Hahaha! Just kidding, he convinced me to upgrade my site at a pocket friendly cost, as he likes to call his price rates and here irriz fam and irriz lovely. I hope you love the new layout just like I do. I have even carried all your favorite articles from my other blog for your rereading pleasure. Unfortunately John had the nerve to put his contact at the footer of the site (kiherehere ni mbaya) so you can reach him if interested in getting a professional website. He will do you a solid while telling your endless stories about his 5 non-existent wives. Jibambe bro. But for real this boychild is a software expert who loves what he does and he won’t disappoint you trust me.

Na kwa hayo machache, si you have a blessed tweni tweni? Mpendane na mlambane.