Meeting Mama

“Sweetheart I am so nervous!” She manages to say after helplessly pushing her back against the front passenger seat of my car. “I have never done this before.” She adds before I can respond to her first sentence.

“Babe we talked about this. Plus my mum doesn’t bite.” I reassure her, gently grabbing her right hand. “My mum has been dying to meet you dear.” I add looking through the anti-glare lens in front of her massive beautiful eyes as I rub the back of her hand.

“Yeah. She is your mum so you will obviously defend her.” She continues to wallow in her anxiety. “What if she doesn’t like the fact that I wear glasses or my height or even small things like the shape of my nose? What if she doesn’t like the dye on my hair? Wait is my tattoo visible in this dress? What if she hates the bright yellow skirt I am wearing? No no babe, is my makeup minimal? I applied the thinnest layer of foundation possible. Babe what if…..”

“Gosh! You are so dramatic!” I gently interrupt her chain of questions amid laughter. “Look dear, my family is soon going to be your family. Plus, I think that those Afro Cinema moves you watch are doing a number on your head. Not all mothers in law are wicked or fail to get along with their daughters in law.”

“First of all you need to respect Nollywood, those people try and secondly, are you invalidating my fears sir? Babe this is the part you tell me that you will fight for me no matter what.” She retorts while rolling her eyes.

“OK, my dear beautiful wife to be, should things go south, we will elope. I will fight tooth and nail for our love. Even though your crazy ass is dramatic AF, I will fight for us. Okaaaay?” I respond hoping that she is now convinced of my undying love for her.

“No no you need to say it with a more convincing tone mister, I am so nervous right now and a little sincerity will go a long way in calming down my nerves.” She answers while ransacking her white sling bag. I immediately notice that she has a bag I bought for her. That sort of massages my ego. At least she uses the bags that I buy for her. I am not a useless boyfriend after all, I have great taste. I can now offer fashion advice at a fee hahaha! I also hope that she is not pulling out her phone to order a cab that will take her back to her house where she can deal with her crazy fears of my mother.

After a successful search, my girlfriend whips out her pocket mirror and looks at her face one last time with her main focus being her forehead. I honestly don’t understand her nervousness. I mean I was nervous when we went to meet her parents but they turned out to be pretty cool folks. Her old man even gave me a bottle of whisky as gift (for loving his short and dramatic daughter hihihi) and tips on how to deal with his child. Her mother was quite soft spoken clearly the exact opposite of her daughter and cooked us some really delicious chicken biryani. Kama singekuwa ugenini ningeongeza bana!

“Babe, is my forehead shinny? I don’t want to hurt your mum’s eyes with the glare of this sexy forehead you know?” She asks while making funny faces at the mirror.

At this point, I just want to carry this petite woman to my mother and get done with this but her drama is sort of hilarious so I burst out laughing “No babe. It is not shinny.”

“Why are you laughing though?” She pauses her funny face act and faces me.

“Because you are being dramatic for no reason. My mum doesn’t bite dear. Can we stop wasting time and head to meet your mother in law? You will like her trust me.” I say in almost a whisper.

“OK fine. I am only going because you reassured me that we would elope in the event your family doesn’t like me.” She says opening the door.

“Finally.” I heave a sigh of relief as I leave the car.

Hand in hand we proceed mum’s door. I say a little prayer of gratitude to God and hope that these two get will along now and forever.