Love Thy Husband

I have been having writer’s block for the longest time now. Believe me when I say that I have tried everything in the book on dealing with writer’s blocks – reading, praying, calling my grandma, shopping, decluttering, introspecting, eating healthy (which involved avoiding Wow Wow Salted Rings, how tragic), picking fewer fights with my office boyfriend …. pretty much everything guys. I was just about to start Yoga in my effort to eradicate this block when I remembered someone…. For the purposes of this blog and preserving his dignity, we shall call him Erastus OK? Cool.

My campus life was amazing. I even miss it sometimes. The only things that would stress me out were CATs, Exams and being broke….and some relationships here and there. I had the coolest click of friends, heeeey Ladies!!! And God knows how much I love them. Read Types of Guys Who Will Hit on You in Campus.

First-year on campus was pretty weird for me because I had a major identity crisis. I really struggled to adjust to campus life, partly because I just didn’t know how to deal with all the freedom that came with being a campus student. I was socially awkward and had the sense of fashion of a village champion. Nilikuwa nachoma kushinda kindukulu guys. On that note, I want to thank all these ladies who tried to be and even maintain friendships with me. It wasn’t easy but y’all tried. Someone, please pass me the box of tissue; I am getting emotional. Plus, my mum had filled my head with all sorts of horror stories about campus boys and how they could get me pregnant and ruin my life. I can’t blame her but I was really mortified!!

Come second year, I was willing to get out of my socially awkward cocoon and experiment with stuff. You can roll your eyes all you want but I attended my first campus house party while in second year and honestly it wasn’t the best introduction to house parties. Till date, I still prefer clubbing over house parties. However, looking back, second year was the litest part of my campus life. It was a milestone in my self-discovery journey. Wait a minute…. This story was to be about Erastus, oops! I almost got carried away. In my pursuit of second year classes, this Erastus guy began hitting on me. At first, I was pissed off because the whole of first year, he had been pursuing my best friend Lynn and when Lynn never gave him any time of day or night, the boychild thought it was wise to try her friend.

Erastus was not the coolest guy in class. He did very little to groom himself. The strands of hair on his head stood defiantly against hair combs or any other form of neatness. He wore ugly blue bathing slippers to class and would rock a mushaino suit on a few fashion-forward days. I really doubt if showering was part of his daily routine because a stench of sweat followed him everywhere. He was very unruly and loud. We shared a number of common courses and he made his mission to talk to me after every class.

The fact that Erastus had converted me into his love interest, really gave me self-esteem issues. I mean, I had just gotten out of my socially awkward cocoon, I was dressing the part, I was slaying so hard you would think that I style Beyonce, *putting myself out there* and then of all campus guys, who hits on me? Nkt! Mna madharau sana!! At the time I also hated hurting other people’s feelings (still do) so I would either play hide and seek with Erastus after class or play hide and seek with Erastus after class. The few times he would get a hold of me, I would pretend to be in a hurry.

One day, the ever-determined Erastus caught me red-handed walking to the hostels after a class. On that day I was alone and I had run out of excuses. He asked me if he could walk me to my room and I declined but this time around he was not having my excuses. For the first time, he called out my name. You know the least I could expect from this guy was that at least he knew my name leave alone how to pronounce it. I thought that is one of the basics in the book of chasing women but no!!! Erastus called me “Huggie” As in like “Huggies” but without an S. Aaaaaiii! Mimi Yesu wa Nebuchadnezzar anitie nguvu!! Ati Huggie? He went on to ask for my mobile number which I reluctantly gave him after a lot of pestering.

A few days later, he showed up at my hostel room asking for an audience. My friends Lynn and Kings left me in his tedious and mentally sedative company by asking me to stay behind and entertain my guest. Can you believe it? These two idiots stood outside the door to eavesdrop on our conversation and I could hear them giggling. What kind of friends are these surely? God will judge you guys by the way. Erastus was passionately giving me directions to his ushago and he thought that I really cared because he thoroughly explained every step of the journey, including the number of MPESA shops and trees on the way.

I really hoped that Erastus’ crush on me would end because this was not the kind of introduction to campus love that I had envisioned for myself. Plus Erastus’ was pursuing me aggressively and it was beginning to get uncomfortable. I thought I had the worst of it until my friends started referring to him as my husband and even at times “Erastus Love Thy Husband” to differentiate him from other people called Erastus that we knew. Lord the friends you gave me!!

By third year he had moved on, despite my pals calling him that love thy husband name. I was glad, really glad. But in retrospect, I think that Erastus really tried. You should have seen how he would try to get my attention whenever he wore his mushaino suits to class. He just wanted me to notice his swag and stuff. Unfortunately, I was just not interested. His heart was beating for the wrong girl. I really hope alipata mutu.

Keep safe guys.