March has been a tough month for me mentally. Especially its first 2 weeks. I have struggled to write on this blog and basically to just function. ‘Wake up, dress up, show up’ has pretty much been my mantra for most of this month. You know…… look happy, try and look happy kind of thing? Right?
A couple of weeks ago, I called my office boyfriend. Y’all are waiting to hear that I asked him to marry me huh? Well…. I did. Lol! I am just kidding. But what if I asked him to marry me? I am sure his cheeks would turn pink because, niko na mistari kali kali! Hohoho! Anyway, He told me that he was nearby and would be available for a talk over lunch. That boy loves my company because I have that effect on people. I just ooze awesomeness and cool vibes. It’s in my DNA fam, I can’t help it.
For those who don’t know, my office boyfriend is called John. He is a vexatious (underline the word vexatious ), light-skinned, IT expert. Software and computers make him come alive. The idiot also likes to throw around IT jargon at me you’d think we sat in IT class together. Currently, we have a long-distance office relationship because he got a job elsewhere. Let me tell you Maina, this long-distance thingy is not for everyone! John also manages the technical aspects of this site. Gives solid tech advice but that is as far as he goes with solid advice. There is this one time I asked him for relationship advice….Wueh! That is a story for another day.
So, we met at our favorite kibandaski. He was wearing a bright white shirt. Normally when he wears a white shirt, he doesn’t cover it up with a jacket. He doesn’t even carry a laptop bag (a trademark for IT guys) because he wants nothing to take away the glory of his white shirt. Instead, he bounces around like the king of Zamunda flaunting his shirt like it is some crown of sorts. Sometimes, he incessantly fishes for compliments when I don’t notice his white shirts. Like dude just keep it together. OK? Sisi tunavaa designer and we are just calm! I keep telling you guys that light-skinned dudes have a kaproblem but you don’t listen.
Anyway, John ordered his usual ugali-beef while I ordered chapo-beef. I proceeded to tell him that I had been flirting with the idea of pulling down this site. You should have seen how he widened his small eyes before exclaiming, “What?” This dude can be so dramatic! Sasa iyo ni kitu ya kukuwa dramatic surely? *Rolls eyes.*
I am such a cry baby and by this time, I already had tears on my face. I was ranting about how hard this writing shit is. My loathe for the current high bounce rate on my site. How I should have just followed a career in my first love of music. How being a creative is hard in this country and in every other country in general. How I can’t stand the people who tell me to write a book yet they won’t read free content on my site. It was a total mess.
John ardently listened to my rant like a concerned therapist. Just when I thought he was going to console me, he took that opportunity to tell me that the site’s SSL certificate was almost expiring and that I needed to pay for renewal! Yaani this site still wants more money from me? I am literally at the end of my tether with this shit!
He then continued to tell me that he has also worked hard on the site and he wouldn’t watch me give up on my writing. That stubborn dude concluded by saying that the site will still be up and that the SSL certificate needs to be paid for. Ati you guys said those office boyfriends who call you ‘darling’ and ‘sweetheart’ wanapatikana wapi? I can’t do this tough love nonsense anymore. By then, some people including the kibandaski owner were throwing concerned glances at us because I was sobbing.
Throughout this March, I have had people ask me if I am OK because I have been a little lackluster. But sometimes even the clown has to fight her battles. Deal with her own problems, you know? Sometimes I can’t stand my love for writing. It makes me bleed. It takes so much away from me and gives back very little. Sometimes I just want to quit and tell this blog to go fuck itself because it is not reciprocating my love and effort. Sometimes I want the process to trust me because I am so tired of trusting the process.
Despite my love-hate relationship with writing, I’ll still do it. And no, I am not writing a book anytime soon. March was tough but I am tougher. Oh! Before I forget, we pulled down the ads after loads of complaints. As for John, you didn’t deserve a date with a cry baby so I will pay for lunch the next time we meet. No, I am just kidding! Hahaha!
Anyway, I am off to overdose on my lit music playlists.
Have a great week ahead.
Depression ikikick in manze nitakiburnLil Maina