As usual, I am typing this from the comfort of my bed… at ungodly hours. Only that this time I am really deep into the ungodly hours and under layers and layers of clothes because… hii baridi ni mbaya ah ah! Hii Baridi eeh! It is so quiet, that the only sound I can hear is my bedside clock ticking. Yeah, that and my noisy typing. Yes, I am a noisy typist.

You are probably rolling your eyes because how dare I take a whole 2 months break and come back posting like nothing happened? But hear me out, the last 2 months of my life have been crazy. I had so much on my plate fam. No, I didn’t get a baby… at least not yet. In fact, I am still my mother’s baby; she calls me her little teddy bear (only when she needs a favor). Now, I really want to promise that I won’t go quiet again but let me just say that I will do my best. My absolute best. In the meantime, guest writers can shoot me an email on agnesopondo@gmail.com.

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For the longest time, I have wanted to have a pet. Preferably a cute and obedient kitten that will not ruin stuff in my house. One that will listen to my rants, keep me company every evening as I troll my exes online, watch memes with me, binge-watch Netflix movies with me, and can eat Wow Wow Salted Rings. To be honest, I never thought that I would have a pet anytime soon. Up until a few weeks ago when my cousin Owino sent me a text that he was traveling back to Nairobi from the village with a gift from my grandma (Tiende Obam’s girlfriend).

“Mathe amesema uchinje hii kuku immediately umefika kwa nyumba.” Said Owino as he handed me a live chicken at the Railways bus station. I was elated to receive the chicken but I wasn’t expecting a live one. Usually, my grandma sends me one that is ready to cook but this time around she had no time to prepare the chicken.

Haters will say that I am a coward terrified of slitting a chicken’s throat. However the truth is that I am very brave, I am just not a murderer. So there was no way I was going to squeeze the life out of that poor chicken. What if it still had a purpose to achieve? Was this trip to unite her with the love of her life in the city? What if she was to be the mother of the greatest chicken ever? I wasn’t going to stand in destiny’s way! At least not intentionally! And that is how I became a pet mum. Just like that! A whole creature became my dependent… in these tough economic times.

After discussions with my grandma, we agreed that was no need to kill the chicken. We even agreed to give her the name Cuecue. A cute name right? So Cuecue landed in my house inside her box. I decided to keep her in my kitchen because the balcony was too cold.

On her first day at my place, she was very noisy and uneasy. The poor thing probably had the jitters of being in a new environment. She would also side eye *pun intended* me every single time I go close to her. Poor Cuecue must have thought that I was planning to kill her. On her day of arrival, Cuecue laid an egg and I thought that was really cool because I really needed an extra egg to make my pancakes for breakfast the following morning. It was at that moment that I knew we were destined to do great things together. In celebration of that, I played Cuecue Duduke by Simi. Quite the dedication, innit?

By day 3 Cuecue was already warming up to me. She was not as noisy as she was on her first day. Plus I think she was already loving my vibes. You know I am very cool and so loveable. I have that effect on people and even animals. Every morning before going to work I would sing her Pretty Wings by Maxwell. “Let love set you free to flap your pretty wings, your pretty wings!” Yeah I know, I have great taste in music. Don’t mention it. Other times I would sing to Cuecue Wakadinali’s songs. I can confirm that she is Driller at heart. A true Hip Hop head. On good mornings I would dance for her as I prepared us breakfast. Moya David would be so proud!

The thing I loved the most about Cuecue was her ability to eat Wow Wow Salted Rings. That really meant the world to me, because, Wow Wow Salted Rings is the best snack ever invented by man. And to have my pet Cuecue enjoy that too…. That meant the world to me. Please pass me the box of tissue because I am getting very emotional. At some point, I thought of buying her toys to play with when I am at work. What toys can one buy for their chicken pet? Or maybe I should start a Kuku mums’ support group so that we can discuss that in-depth?

Cuecue is now at my mum’s house where she has enough space to play around with and new friends that mum brought to keep her company. It has been 3 weeks since she went to stay with mum and I miss her dearly. I would love to stay with her here but I don’t want her to hang around the chicken in Kawangware. I really want Cuecue to grow up being a morally upright chicken and not wayward like the ones in my neighborhood. Every day mum threatens to convert Cuecue into dinner but that is such a small price to pay as I want Cuecue to grow in a better environment. Kuteseka ni kwa muda.

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Alafu guys, the cold weather is not treating my skin well. I am breaking out on the right side of my face, hosting ugly eczema patches on my neck, and dealing with the worst dandruff ever. Wachawi niliwakosea wapi? To the people spamming my comment section with insurance information…nitawafinya! (in Atwoli’s Voice) kumbaff sana!!

Have a great week ahead.

Ati what are we? Kwanza who are you?

Lil Maina