Dear Sweet Old Man

Hi Papa,

I am writing you this missive in an old matatu with super uncomfortable seats. Honestly, I can’t help but wonder, was this the matatu used to transport Mau Mau fighters after they were smoked out of their war dens in the forest? Anyway, I should have written this letter yesternight but I was busy… OK OK… I lie, the truth is that I am such a procrastinator. By any chance did I get that habit from you? Hahaha! Because the last time I checked, mum isn’t exactly a procrastinator. She has told me a few tales of how your procrastination got on her nerves at times, but don’t worry, I didn’t believe her hihihi!

How are you though? I still can’t believe that this year will mark 5 years since you left old man…..How quickly time flies. As usual sweet old man, I am writing to check up on you. I hope that they are treating you well there. By the way, I have meaning to ask, is it true that in the afterlife you meet your loved ones who are on that side as well? Are those just rumors?

Sweet old man today I intend to keep my letter short and sweet. I suspect that you are a busy man after all. They have probably assigned you some duties so without any further ado. Back at home, we are fine. Taking it one day at a time like your wife loves to say. Now, where do I start? Your Little girl! Well, your little girl Maryanne just finished her exams a few weeks ago. She was very elated to be done with school but do we tell her about the school of life ama tunyamaze? Tujifunze kunyamaza sindio?

Anyway, she is currently waiting to graduate and words cannot explain how proud I am of her. I am sure you are too. Psst! something tells me that Maryanne is going to be one of those petty accountants making people account for expenditure to the last cent. Those accountants who will not talk to you during lunch break because you failed to submit a receipt. You wait and see.

Regina is currently doing her teaching practice. You can proudly say that one of your daughters is following in your footsteps. Remember how she used to make fun of her teachers? Lakini Mungu ni nani? Hahaha! I can’t wait to hear the nicknames that her students will give her. I am sure most teachers know the nicknames given to them by their students. Did your students give any nicknames sweet old man? You don’t want me to know your nicknames huh? Oh, that is private and confidential?

Your beloved wife is doing fine and looking finer. I keep telling her to get a boyfriend but she tells me she wants a son-in-law and grandchildren. Dad is it legal for parents to make such requests from their babies? Please remind her that I am still a child and such requests are not good for a baby like me. I also caught her researching how to put a child who is over 18 years old up for adoption.  All these because I posted her videos on my wozap status *rolls eyes.* Sasa iyo ni kitu ya kukasirikia mtu?

You are probably wondering about me. Well, I just made my first million dollars and now that I am rich, I plan to cut off your wife and children. Nowadays I hobnob with movers and shakers of this nation. Hahaha! Hujui jokes? I am doing fine too, about to get a Ph.D. in annoying your wife *very long wicked laugh* She thinks that I am very vexatious, lakini ndio mwanzo wa sinema *another long and wicked laugh*

Dad, like I always say, you are truly missed. I would love to keep serving you the tea but I have to go now, my matatu has gotten to my destination. Before I sign out sweet old man, I want you to know that nakulombotove. That means ‘I love you’ in the new Sheng’ now called Shembeteng’. I will teach more of this new language next time.

Till we meet again.

Your loving daughter

Agnes Opondo

I don’t like it when you’re not around

Ar’mon & Trey