Diary Of An Inconsistent EVENTS’ Writer

Last week, someone from the organizing team of an event reached out to me on email. She was asking me to do a write up of their upcoming gig and also extending a kind invitation to the gig. Honestly, it felt nice. Having been in this events’ business for a while, I know that getting such direct invitations requires connections lakini wadau Mungu halali.

Adulting in Nairobi quickly and unkindly taught me that I needed more than one stream of income. It also taught me to never write for free. So when I am not on my 9-5, I am busy penning down Kenyan entertainment stories or covering some events Check out my articles here.

The very first shindig I covered was a Fally Ipupa concert at Uhuru Gardens a few years back. I wasn’t really expecting to have a good time because Lingala Music is not really my cuppa. So after a lot of pestering from the editor and my date, I turned up and it was amazing!!! Super amazing!! That experience gave me the motivation to cover more gigs.

I am a very shy person but there is something alluring about live music. Seeing performers in their true element is refreshing. I am the type of reveler who hypes artistes I have never heard of. The type who leaves a concert with a sore throat because of screaming the entire time. I go to concerts to work and have fun. That is why I don’t drink alcohol when covering a gig, despite the temptations. Let me even take this opportunity to apologize to every guy whose drink I have ever turned down at a concert. It’s not personal, it’s business. As just a band once sang, “Tuko works mzeiya!”

So last Saturday, I pulled up at the venue with my mbogi AKa small sister and colleague Adiey. Hi Adiey, it was nice to finally meet you. The place was oozing cool vibes and because gigs are so dope, I got a chance to meet Ayrosh. Hi Ayrosh! I love your music, especially Maheni and even though I don’t understand what you sing, we had a ngumi mbwegze moment last Saturday, remember me?

Watching the cool kids walk into the venue fashionably late with peng tings on their arms and vape pens was quite a sight. Those guys looked like they were either on on a vape pen or sunglasses commercial. Where do you meet exotic looking people? At Nairobi concerts. Shout out to the short haired Rita Ora and Jesus look alikes. The latter wore glasses and walked in with a pink haired lady. If Jesus had eyesight problems, pink would definitely be his favorite color because he had pink trousers to match his date’s hair. How can I forget low budget French Montana? That dude had really cool tatts on his bulky arms. I see you boo!!

Where are you likely to meet your Kenyan celebrity crush? At Nairobi concerts! I thought you would never ask. The seat I took gave me the perfect view of one of my crushes (normalize getting to concerts on time to enjoy this privilege). Guess who? DJ Jo Kisila!! I have been thinking of sliding into ze DM, semeni ngweee! Semeni ngwee!

True love must live in Nairobi concerts because the couple goals laid in these gigs are to die for. There will always be a cute couple all over each other, dancing together and shit. Taking tons of selfies to post for Kamati ya Roho chafu members. The kind of love that will make you say “Si heri nyinyi.” On that note, I am looking for an events’ boyfriend. Are you a tall, good looking man with neat dreadlocks and/or an even neater and well trimmed beard? (Those things make a guy look nice). Do you love concerts and Gengetone music? Drop a comment and my team will contact you.

Couple goals aside, there is also always that couple that clearly looks like a poverty eradication program. But what do I know about poverty eradication? Any person who wants to foot my concert bills guys? I promise that I will try to not dance near the exit as soon as the concert starts winding up. You don’t need dreadlocks or a beard to qualify. Plus I won’t even be drinking alcohol because I will be working. Just come show me what your money can do.

My favorite breed of Nairobi concert goers has to be the bald chics. They reek of a healthy dose of confidence and self acceptance. I have been dreaming of going bald for a while now but my kisogo just won’t cooperate and I highly suspect that my siblings will be taking every possible chance to slap my head. I may look OK but deep down I want to be a baldie who rocks black lipstick like Foxy Brown. Unfortunately, I don’t want to give my mother heart attacks. She has come a long way with me. But have you seen how hot baldie chics look?

The euphoria that fills the air whenever a popular act gets on stage has to be the sound track of my love for concerts. Seeing Blinky Bill on stage last Saturday was the highlight for me. Even though he didn’t perform my favorite song Mungu Halali, he still rocked. My small sister said that bourgeois people make 99% of Blinky Bill’s fans. Blinky Bill fans Kawangware branch, mko wapi? Please wave your hands we see you.

I watched every DJ get carried away by their own mixes. It is like music takes them to a high that is so high, that it is almost sacred in a way. The kind of high that makes ecstasy addicts green with envy. But also don’t you think that this career requires a substantial dose of narcissism? Huh? Getting that high off your own creation? Not to mention the crazy stage names they baptize themselves? Anyway shout out to every amazing DJ. You are the reason why left footed homo sapiens like me, have fun at concerts and clubs.

3 out of every 5 squads that walk into a Nairobi concert has 1 party pooper who either was dragged to this concert after being dumped or just hates crowds. 4 out of every 5 squads that walk into a Nairobi concert have 3 team mafisi members who have come to hunt for the next catch. After all, they say that Nairobi is one big bedroom. Ogopa sana. And please do not ask me the source of my research. Kila mtu apambane na hali yake.

Concerts will give you the full glance of how stressful it is to be at an event you have organized. Most event organizers look constipated at their own events because shit can always go wrong at any time. An artist can cancel last minute or even worse get too high to perform, turn out might be meagre, an eager to learn intern can step on the wires and mess the projectors, a cater may serve a desert of diarrhea or other diseases to the revelers, mother nature may decide to shower the earth with huge amounts of rainfall. Anything can go to the shitters and mess up your event. All these combined with the tweeps who never bought tickets but want to troll an event, permanently sticks that constipated look on an organizer’s face. To all organizers who work hard to give an amazing concert experience, nyinyi ndio mabazing! Mpige tu baroda! Chingli zitacome.

Apart from the music and dance, the thing that really touches my heart about covering events, is seeing my small sister’s face light up whenever I ask her to be my date at a gig. Her massive eyes always widen with excitement before she responds, “Of course I will be your date!” This is always followed by tons of hugs and kisses and sweet names. My father’s little princess she is.

Last Saturday’s concert was the first that I covered ever since the COVID-19 pandemic hit the country and it was a big deal for me. We had so much fun but we didn’t imagine that we would have to jump out of a matatu that had been hit by a lorry on our way back home. It was a near death experience. The driver of the matatu we were in decided to beat traffic by driving on the wrong side and we ended up being hit by an oncoming lorry. On fucking Mombasa road!!! Despite the protests from passengers! Like who decides to drive into a muddy ditch to drive the wrong side on Mombasa road? When it is raining? Glad we didn’t roll over the muddy ditch. Glad we walked out unscathed. Please practice road safety guys. Zusha and alight whenever a matatu driver is driving dangerously.

Have a safe week.

Wanashine kwa mwangaza wanajidai, na mi na shine kwa giza na sijidai