I am typing this article at ungodly hours courtesy of my time-wasting habits …. again! For real! Who gets home early to catwalk and dance in front of a mirror for hours knowing very well she has a blog post to type? Who then spends extra hours watching cat videos despite having a pending blog post to write? Me! I am even ashamed to admit that part of that time-wasting routine also included watching True Crime shows and composing diss tracks for my exes. In short fam, just pray for me. Just whisper a little something to Sweet Jesus, please.

By now, you probably can already tell that I have been suffering from some sort of creative inconsistency of late. Lakini, guess who is back like the emotional damage your ex caused? Guess who has popped up like your constipation when bae offers to take to you to Vasha for the weekend? Meeeee! Where are the sisal skirt dancers to welcome me back? Don’t pretend! I know you guys missed my awesome blogs because your boring partners tell vexatious dry jokes hohoho! Mnastragooo!

Before I begin today’s post, I want to send a special shout-out to my current crush. A gubernatorial candidate who looks so damn fine on his campaign posters. Dear gubernatorial candidate crush, do you have someone to call you dzadzy? Someone, to remind you that even though your hairline is as visible as Atwoli’s humility you still look like a fine bobo? Hahaha! Look no further my love because your true love lives in Kawangware, her number is 07…………. I know you nosy guys want me to reveal the identity of my crush lakini umbeya ni sumu jameni. Mind your business.

Moving along swiftly, my last post stirred some reactions from a section of the female readers in this blog. Several ladies were in my DMs asking for my office boyfriend’s number……..Ati ooh! He is caring! Ooh! He sounds like a cool chap. Ooh! He is husband material! Hii Nairobi you can’t talk about your person in peace bila mafisi kunyemelea? Huh?

No no no! Nawauliza mtu hawezi zungumzia mtu wake bila watu kuomba namba ya simu? He is not my person but still… he is my person in a way… Never mind… But do you think that I want to end my long-distance office relationship with John? Huh? Yes, he is annoying and light-skinned but I don’t intend on leaving him. At least not now. OK? Small small talk about my office boyfriend ndio inafanya muombe namba? Receive Jesus y’all! Nanzenz! (For those who don’t understand the Swahili parts I have just said that God is good.

On the real though, a lot has happened since my last post. For instance, I went to Kilifi and met the very talented Blinky Bill!! I have been his fan since his Just A Band days. My small sister Maryanne always says that 99.99% of Blinky Bill’s fans are bourgie people. Blinky Bill fans Ungwaro branch say ‘oh yeah!’ Guys, do you see how lolipoptous Blinky and I look in the selfie on the featured image? Wait a minute, do you notice how sexy my forehead looks? The natural glow it has?

Anyway, I can happily report that Blinky Bill was more than ecstatic to meet his number one fan on this day. He couldn’t stop giggling by the way. I tend to have that effect on people. But seriously though, do you see Blinky’s smile? How it oozes genuine happiness and joy? I know you can’t relate because character development hii Nairobi unapata kama mkate wa kila siku. But I will pray for you.

While I was away, I also missed out on 2 consecutive opportunities that I wanted so bad. Hata sikuskia vibaya. In fact, I didn’t even cry. Now that is progress. A testament to the fact that this Nairobi is hardening my heart well well. Very soon wababaz won’t be able to break my heart because itadumu kama Dumu Zas! Also, in the course of my time away, I received a story from my namesake Agnes and I will be publishing it soon. If you want to be featured on this blog (or buy me a drink or other nice stuff like cars and Wow Wow Salted Rings), shoot me an email at agnesopondo@gmail.com.

During my time away I also listened to a lot of Wakadinali and Lil Wayne. By the way, literally, everyone in my circles claims to be a personal friend of Scar Mkadinali……..introduce me to him already bana! Aaaiii!

In a nutshell, (always wanted to use this phrase as an adult) I really missed writing here. I hope to get the creative juices flowing consistently. As I wrap up, I want to send a really special shout-out to Minion on Wozap. I see you sis! Thank you for always reading my blog posts. Sema unataka lunch lini.  

Have a blessed week.

Talking to myself because I am my own consultant

Lil Wayne