I love a lot of things. Some of which include Wow Wow Salted Rings and annoying my siblings. I also love the two cute kittens that our neighbor gave us. After a unanimous family decision, we decided to call them Ronny and Escobar. Ronny is very jumpy but super friendly. Escobar on the other hand has a suspiciously calm demeanor. I suspect that he spends his free time selling drugs or planning how to kill humans and take over the world.
Anyway, I also love receiving articles from guest writers. Really it is always a pleasure and that is why I am so happy that Lulu decided to share a piece once again. Remember her? My high school friend, whose sense of self-awareness I find enviable? I first published her article here. I love how deep and thought-provoking Lulu’s pieces always are. So without any further ado, ladies and gentlemen, I present Lulu once again!
I know I am dying; therefore, I live…
Uprooting myself from the comfort of my home (some will say continent) in my late 20s is proving to be one of the bravest things I will ever do. However, I did not know that then. To be honest, I was on autopilot for the better part of 2018 and the beginning of 2019. The only thing I did intentionally was to apply for my Masters at a local university and start a book drive. I did all these as I figured out the rest. The remaining part had a quicker response than the university’s administration staff. Here we are now, in the COVID-19 era, 2 and a half years later. Oh, Wait! My first tattoo! That was definitely intentional.
I would want to dwell on 2018 because it was my transformative year. I don’t know if this school of thought applies to everyone but just in case it doesn’t, let me break it down. It is the belief that everyone in their human cycle will have/ has had a moment(s) that really defined the trajectory of their life thereon. But I’ll leave that story for another day. There is a way I give that story in person: the embrace of a higher power and the divine purpose of pain and finding self.
Anyway, this small-town girl got on a plane and landed in New York. This was crazy as I didn’t even know how to live in Nairobi. There were culture shocks, ‘political incorrectness’, missing racial cues, few (gigantic) steps down the financial ladder and an enormous weight of imposter syndrome. Suffice to say, the journey has been something else but the most rewarding one was solitude. I have spent so much time alone; I am my best friend. It sounds egomaniac I know but it is in fact quite the opposite.
I should add that I am an introvert, so maybe introspection is easier for me. But do not be deceived, unmasking and healing the core of your being is not a walk in the park. It had cycles: the victim or the villain. The sinner or the saint. The misunderstood or the one who jumped to conclusions. Nevertheless, one thing was clear, I could not run from myself. I fought her, I loved her until I chose her; the perfectly imperfect her with scars and all.
The other thing that I thought about a lot was death. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t and still isn’t suicidal. I just had so much time alone. As I thought about how I hoped my life would go, I might have written it all the way to the end, oops!
You see, I come from a culture that doesn’t talk about death until someone is dead. It’s so hushed that even as I write this, I am afraid that I could be awaking the spirits of death. As a matter of fact, I am seriously negotiating with God that this should not be ‘the epiphany that breaks the net’. I am like, “Dear God you don’t have to take me to spread the truth. I know few people read blogs of folks that are alive but is me dying worth a million retweets, seriously?” My hope is that he agrees that I am more worthy alive than dead.
The next statement will sound contradictory. I just finished negotiating with God to keep me alive and then I go ahead and say that I am cultivating a relationship with death. The acceptance stage is where I am at. I have indeed agreed that I will not live forever. I actually don’t want to. After weed smoke replaced the industrialization smoke which replaced green fresh air, I am not sure I want to hang around in the 3000s. You are probably reading with a blank face and saying, well there is space tourism to look forward to but eeh! You can’t argue with someone who prefers wine and warm blankets on a Friday night.
With the acceptance of death comes the intention to live. I am not going to be here forever. So I treat people as if those are my last moments. My goodbyes have so much affection if not just a smile, kindness, or a laugh. My default laugh is interesting. I didn’t know I had it until a friend of mine asked how it was possible to have a ‘timed laugh.’ He questioned its sincerity, but I think it works well enough. The past is not my dwelling place anymore. I don’t force connections because I would rather spend time sharing life with people (even strangers) that have embraced my presence in that actual moment.
The acceptance has also changed my perception of myself and how I do things. I do everything to my utmost best. By the time I go to bed, there is, in most cases nothing else that I could have done better except laundry and dishes. Everything else is done for the day. I still do feel bad when things don’t quite match up and are beyond my control. Nonetheless, there is comfort in knowing I have done my best.
I am also having fun. less is indeed more but I don’t think I will be living the minimalist lifestyle anytime soon. I am also slowly taking the societal shackles off and embracing moments and activities that are warming my heart regardless. Some parts of my life will be cringe-worthy and perhaps controversial but if it feels like God approves, then it makes sense to me. I apologize in advance, and the apology is that I will neither explain nor apologize for any of my actions that do not affect world peace, the innocence of children, and global warming. This life is for the living.
This article was also published on https://quiessential.wordpress.com/2022/01/25/mortals/
Alafu guys before I sign out, I don’t know about you but have you ever been featured on your favorite podcast? Najua hujawahi no wonder unaskia kiwaru. Anyway, there is a podcast that I listen to ardently called Podcast With No Name. It is hosted by amazing writers Eddy Ashioya, Ndugu Abisai, and Brian Mbanacho. I was honored to be a guest on the podcast and it was some fun times. Click here to listen to the episode.
The thief comes to steal, kill and destroy but I have come that they may have life and have it in abundance.John 10:10