A lot of you have been asking (not a goddamn soul asked), “Agnes what is your morning routine like?” Others have been wondering (also, not a goddamn soul asked), “Agnes do you always wake up psyched up for life like this?” Well, ask no more as I am here to answer you. However, before I proceed, I want to confirm that my mother didn’t harm me in any way for last week’s post. In fact, she commented, “Duke of Ugunja ??” I guess that is a cue for me to continue writing silly things about her here. I hope to put her in Bentley one day, for now, nitamposti hapa atii.

Now, back to my routine. I don’t know about you, but I am not a morning person. Actually, I hate alarm clocks and everything they stand for. Such annoying gadgets if you ask me. I hear that some of you wake up very early to take morning jogs and cold showers. First of all, are you training to be night runners? Or bloody thieves? Why are you ronning? How are you so disciplined? Huh? Anyway, I usually get out of bed after snoozing the alarm like thate fae times.

For some weird reason, I tend to think about all my problems in the morning (this is exactly why I am not a morning person). And by all my problems, I mean each one of them, from my biggest stressors to the lesser ones like my hate for rats. Rodentiologists, raticians, or whatever you call yourselves, please explain to me the importance of rats in the ecosystem. What is their purpose on earth? To sneak into people’s houses and live there rent-free? Push strong and independent women who fear them prematurely into marriage? (Read It Is Official, I Am Ripe For Marriage here). Eat and destroy people’s handbags and clothes?

By getting out of bed, I mean that I have successfully resisted the urge to look at memes on social media or given into it and jumped out of bed after realizing that time is running out. This is usually followed by a quick shower (of late my shower routine has involved squeezing out the last possible molecules of my toothpaste and facial cleanser mbikos wueh! Economy is bad). After my shower, I usually get dressed and open my bedroom windows to allow in some fresh air. Opening the windows is a very important step of my routine because I become fully awake after the morning breeze slaps my face. It has a magic awakening touch that I can’t explain. Plus, I get to confirm if there is any drama happening around our flat. Kawangware is the home of drama I tell you. Read Night Drama here.

Due to the habit of problems flooding my noggin in the mornings, I always have the solution, music that I play through a Bluetooth bulb speaker which I got from a certain shopping mall in Kitengela (my mother’s house). I have a Spotify playlist which I named F*ck You that just does that for me (How I wish this was a sponsored post). Now before you think that I hate my life, this playlist was created to calm me down whenever I got angry but somehow, it just hits right in the mornings.

My bad habit is cursing whenever I get pissed (I am trying to be better, trust me). So, because the playlist was designed to calm me down, it has a couple of those typa songs like Ceelo Green’s F*ck You, Nameless and E-Sir’s Maisha, Rihanna’s B*tch Better Have My Money, Chance the Rapper’s No Problem, Eminem and Lil Wayne’s Drop The World and Khaligraph’s Juu Ya Ngori among others. Pretty angry songs for the morning, but they get me set for the day. Other times I listen to Wakadinali (I have an entire morning playlist dedicated to them) or Katapilla.

Recently I got a haircut and texturized my hair and a part of me regrets so because I struggle to style it at times. But on good hair days, the curls look cute and the cut makes me look like a badass. After styling my hair and making my face cute, I usually spread my bed and arrange stuff in my bedroom (some people call this OCD but it gives me such a feeling of being organized and smart). My cardinal rule is to never leave the house hungry so I usually have a cup of tea or hot chocolate (I am not a coffee person) or a fruit or morning cereal or at times Wow Salted Rings (Hohoho! I am kidding but I wish this was sponsored too).

The last step of my routine is usually picking out the shoe for the day. This step involves a lot of time-wasting because I usually dance in front of the mirror (got this habit from my mum) while I model in various pairs of shoes before deciding the day’s pick. Sometimes I even have an entire live performance of a song with my detangling spray bottle as the microphone. If Beyonce ever saw my perform, she would sign me immediately, na siringi. Other times (mostly on Fridays) I twerk during this step. It wastes a lot of time yet is very addictive and fulfilling. Today I openly admit that most of the times that I run late for morning appointments is because of this. So just remember in your prayers. Ama do you guys think I should see a shrink?

Have a lovely week and Happy Mashujaa Day.

Msichana anajifanya peng ting na tunajua ni chura umoroto.

Wakadinali