On that day I had a number of errands and an elaborate plan on how to accomplish them. The first being clearing the pending eye check-up off my to-do list. This was to be followed by going to buy an electric hot shower heater in town because mine decided to be one of my 99 problems. It just decided to stop working on a cold morning right in the middle of me showering, a fucking cold season and an empty bank account! Ama kweli wahenga na wahenguzi hawakutupaka mafuta mgongoni mwa chupa walipolonga na kusema ya kuwa, “When it rains it pours.” I really wish that the damn showerhead would have accessed my problems and hold on a little longer but, in life you don’t always get what you want huh?

After fixing the hot shower situation, I was supposed to visit my barber for a slight trim and eyebrow tweezing. I hate tweezing but I had finally done with the 40 working days that it requires for me to convince myself that I was once again prepared for the pain that it comes with. Ngeus ni kuvumilia! Seriously there needs to be a painless tweezing option that is just as effective and affordable. It is bloody 2021! And please don’t mention microblading here! Sina iyo pesa!! By the way, beauty gurus does that microblading thingie eradicate the need for tweezing? Hebu educate me hapo kwa comments please. Anyway, my next errand was to pass by the beauty shop to buy myself some earrings that I had promised myself sometime back, and of course to also get some beauty supplies. I was to finally complete my day by doing the monthly household shopping. Solid plan huh?

I boarded a matatu to doctor’s clinic. Earlier, I had planned to take a cab but then changed mind after confirming that the clinic would be open till 5:30pm. The matatu was clean and as silent as a graveyard which was perfect because I am getting old and loud music no longer fascinates me but kama uko na form wewe toa tu. Plus, I had ample time to think about my problems and stare through the window while imagining I am in a dope music video. That is one of the most underrated benefits of using matatus, well apart from the free drama that seems to be a staple in the Kawangware matatus that I usually board. A few meters away from the stage I was to alight at, I whipped out my phone to check the time and see if my plans’ timelines were still in track. Wrong idea! Terrible idea!!

No sooner had I whipped out my phone than I felt a warm liquid substance spilled on the back of my neck. Apparently a MF had puked on me!! I turned to my back only to be met with a person who looked drunk and disorderly. Of course I was pissed so pushed him aside so that he wouldn’t puke on me again. I then quickly put my phone in my bag and pulled out a packet of wet wipes to wipe off the puke. After that, I stood up and hurried towards the door when this MF got up again and puked on me. Livid is an understatement of how I was at that point, but being the strong woman of God I am, I managed to make my way to the door. A few minutes after alighting and crossing over to the other side of the road, it dawned on me that my phone was missing.

Luckily, the matatu that I had alighted from had not yet left so I raced back to it hoping that I had dropped it somewhere or a Good Samaritan had picked it up and was asking for the owner. Pffft! Good Samaritans in Nairobi? Ooliskia wapi? As soon as I walked into the matatu, a certain woman yelled “madam hao ni wezi wameibia watu simu!” It was at that point that I realized that my phone was gone. Yaani on top of taking cold showers I will also be phoneless? Hobeeee!! Wachawi wapo!! I was already having a panic attack.

Fortunately, in the midst of my panic I spotted 3 police officers just near the matatu stage. My confused mind saw a glimmer of hope and I ran to them as as fast as my feeble legs could carry me (remember using this phrase in primary school compositions? Hihihi!). I then asked one of them to lend me his phone so that I could block my number.“Sasa madam nikusaidie aje? He asked. “Enda pale utapata usaidizi!” He added while directing me to a gate that was a few meters away. I took his advice and thanked him, he seemed to be in a hurry anyway.

I ran towards that gate hoping to find a chief’s camp or police station. At this point, all I wanted was to block my number. At the gate I found security guards. Yaani, a police officer referred me to security guards! Wueh! Anyway, I spoke to one of the guards and he was kind to offer me a seat and his phone so that I could block my line. Attempts to block my line bore no fruit so the guards directed me to the nearest Safaricom Customer Care shop which luckily, wasn’t far away. I had also discovered that the puke was not even puke it was a watery liquid that has since made the back of my neck itch. I wonder what that was.

Shock on me when I got to the shop only to be met with a long queue. So I begged the Holy Spirit to add me a double portion of patience because I was seconds away from having a meltdown. On top of all this, the lady who was standing in front me on the queue wanted to social distance by standing a thousand and one kilometers apart from people despite the 1.5M demarcations that Safaricom had graciously put on the floor. “B*tch kama hutaki Corona enda ishi Mars!” I angrily thought to myself.

A few minutes later another MF came and told me that he was in the queue earlier and he was supposed to get served right before me. I once again begged the Holy Spirit for another dose of patience and garnish it with some self-control because MFs be testing me bana!! After a couple of deep breaths and the Holy Spirit coming through, I finally got served. I am such a cry baby and every single time I remembered that I had an eye check-up coming up, I fought every tear because seriously who wants to be red eyed at an eye check-up? Plus growth bana! Hii Kanairo itakufanyia character development for free!

Courtesy of those thieves my plans didn’t pan out as earlier scheduled but at least I got my eye check-up. To the thieves who stole my phone, I really wish that I could be a good Christian and pray for your sneaky asses that God delivers you, show you the light, help you get good acting gigs and all that yada yada. Believe me I really do. But to be honest I hope you get dents from an angry mob the next time you go stealing. The same dent you are putting into my finances because I have to buy a new phone is the same dent that will be inflicted on you bodies amen! And I hope you panic and that the cops who you wish to get help from fail you just like they did to me, amen again!

On the real though, the first half of 2021 has not been so great for me. Nuksi na mikosi tupu tu! I even made a meme to describe how I feel about this year so far.

I was really hoping that the last half of this year would be better lakini wapi? Its first weekend rendered me phoneless. Maybe it is my turn to suffer but I am still hopeful. In the meantime, mtume to Wow Wow juu wueh! Ni machoos tu.

Have a blessed week.

Luku ni moto. Drip inatesa kama mama wa kambo.

Donn J