A colleague of mine was getting married in Mombasa over the past weekend so I excitedly flew or rather SGRed down to the coastal city with my other colleagues for ze celebration. I was so excited to go also because September has not been the kindest of months to me so I just needed a break. Plus the coastal breeze is always like cocoa butter to my skin, ze glow it brings yawa! Anyway we got to Mombasa after a 5 hour ride on the train. I was waiting for the cab with some of my colleagues to take us to the hotel room when I bumped into my former neighbor Peter. Lakini shida ya watu wengine huwa ni gani? Peter stop following me around kijana! I know you miss me lakini hii imezidi! Ama juu umeenda gym na uko na a connecting beard finally hatutapumua?

We finally got to the room and we freshened up. Our colleague who is based in the Mombasa office came to pick us and we headed out for some of the most delicious mbuzi choma I have ever had. She later suggested that we head to one of her favourite clubs nearby called Club Sheba and we obliged. It was at the rooftop of the building and definitely a smoker’s paradise. There were all sorts of people there tall, short, drinkers, smokers, drunk people, high people, chaps with weird drunk stares, septic tanks (that is how my colleagues call white men nowadays), girls in ragged jeans, girls in normal jeans, people with their sponsors, People with their sponsorees, terrible dancers, amazing dancers, people drinking at the counter, people drinking at their tables, girls cat walking in heels, girls struggling in heels, girls in sexy bandage dresses, girls in booty shorts, people with a terrible sense of fashion, slayers. I honestly felt a bit over dressed because I was wearing a pink knee length dress. Here people were flashing skin for daaaays.

I must admit that I loved the ambiance and after we had taken our seats, a petite waitress rocking a tee with the clubs name written on it, approached us asking what we would take. Now here is the problem, I can’t mix my drugs with alcohol (yes I am still on meds and I obey doctors) and I didn’t want Delmonte Juice. Aki Delmonte si kwa ubaya. I realized at that point that I have never bothered to know what other non-alcoholic options clubs have, apart from Delmonte, soda and energy drinks. My colleagues quickly ordered their drinks and all I could feel was kiwaru. Raw jealousy stinking through my pores. When the waitress asked for my order, I whispered in her ear, “Do you have other non-alcoholic drinks apart from Delmonte?” She smiled and replied, “Yeah! Why don’t you try our virgin mohito?”

My mohito was served and my colleagues couldn’t stop teasing me. Kwanza the fact that I was the youngest in the crew made it worse. “Toto, utaonja tusker ama wakuletee maziwa?” They would ask amid laughter. Yaani hata sikuskia vibaya. My enemies must be working full time aki and because alcohol was not an option, I had to redirect my energies to the dance floor where is busted my 2 left feet moves like a pro. Plus my mohito was really delicious. My cousin Mike happened to be in the club too and when we bumped into each other he had that big brother stare that was dying to know, “What the hell are you doing here?” Hahaha! Mike just so you know, one of my colleagues thought that you were really cute hihihi! OK stop this madness Agnes.

Like every other normal club the toilet of this club hosted a sleepy janitor who sat at the corner dishing tissue paper. It also had a couple of girls touching each other suggestively on the queue and drunk guy peeping at the door wondering what would happen if he was allowed into the ladies toilets. The things that catch your attention when you are sober for a whole night! Chaaaii! I remember a certain chic donning a white bandage dress admiring her ass in front of the mirror. If I had an ass like that I would also be staring at it with same glee. I would insure it and protect it with all my life hahaha! Let me put a disclaimer that I am a straight woman because nowadays you can’t compliment a person of the same sex, without people casting your sexual orientation into doubt. But  si ni life!

We partied till 4 am. And the whole time I had my glasses on! I took normal selfies in a night club with my glasses on! I still can’t believe it. I think my glasses don’t get along with alcohol. They have their own tiff going on and I won’t meddle in it. Yaani since June I have not taken alcohol despite the many opportunities to get high but that is not a problem, lakini avoiding avocados! Hewooooo! It has been a real struggle! So because I was made fun of last Friday night, I have made a decision. If you invite me out for drinks, you will sign a form authorizing me to whip your ass if you tease me because I can’t disobey the doc. Also, the club has to play songs from Burna Boy’s ‘African Giant’ album because it is dope and it contains the soundtrack to my hustle called Ye. Also there has to be pastor Ng’ang’a chants in the DJ’s mix. Kama hakuna, kaa na mama yako.

Guys, si y’all have a blessed week.

My nigga, what’s it gon’ be?
G-Wagon or de Bentley?

Burna Boy

Nigerian Singer, Song writer,