Tiende Obam’s Wife To Be

I thought long and hard about what to write here today. Then I remembered my bubbly maternal grandma. Now, the day ones of this blog have probably read the many stories that I wrote about my grandma when I was starting out on this platform. She even became a fan favorite. Random people in the streets would be asking me about her and stuff.

So that we can be all on the same page, my maternal grandma is quite something. She is full of life and always ready to serve me the tea each time I call her. Indeed, a true bestie! A few years ago, she disclosed to me that she had found love. Apparently, when she went to visit her children in Obamaland, a certain white man stole her heart and she has never looked back since. He dey make her heart go Kedike!! (Sorry grandma, I just happen to love that song so much). In fact, this son of Adam is the reason why she doesn’t entertain any suitors in her village, Ligega. Besides, my grandma is one fine old lady fam. Turning heads left, right, and center. Toto si toto!

Being the first person to be informed of her heartthrob, I automatically became her relationship counselor. You know a lot of people out here (read my office boyfriend) treat me like a joke. But kwa grao, I am a respected relationship advisor. People look up to my precious gems of advice to keep their relationships going. They call me in their hour of need and I emerge in the grandeur of my wisdom just to save their relationships. In fact, I should start my own relationship counseling practice. I could call it Agitah Bila Vita or maybe Agitah Wa Mamita (the latter is to signify the value of my advice) Ama what do you guys think? I am a creative genius, I know…

Anyway, over Mother’s Day, I called my grandma to wish her you know.. a happy Mother’s Day. While making this call, I was seated next to my mum who couldn’t stop sneering with jealousy when she saw how happy I was to speak to her mother. Heiras!! *rolls eyes* I proceeded to read my grandma a small poem because she is my queen and true beuri. To be honest I had planned to make the call strictly about Mother’s Day but wahenga na wahenguzi hawakutupaka mafuta chupani or whatever they say, “Mufti bila tufti, udaku haiwezi ngoja!” (OK, I just made that up).

“Agie mimi bado ambia wewe mambo ya Tiende Obam!” My grandma says when she notices I am about to end the call.

Tiende Obam is the pet name that grandma gave her white boyfriend. I have issues with that pet name but I will keep my opinions to myself. After all, I am not a part of that relationship, so nitajifundisha kunyamaza. Happy are those who keep quiet for they shall…..OK never mind. For those who don’t know, Tiende Obam is a beautiful Dholuo name that means ‘My handsome prince.‘ The non-Luo ladies dating Luo Men can thank me later. Ukiita mzee wako Tiende Obam, it is the male version of with being called agal toto. You can send me MPESA. Thank you. Also when he dumps your ass….*sings* You’ll be all alooneeeeee…

“Aje sasa? Hebu niambie. Unaoa huyu mzee wako lini?” I ask grandma to my mum’s roaring laughter.

Before I proceed, let me just take this opportunity to call out haters. Doubters of true love like my mum. How can one doubt the existence of true love? Mum, who hurt you? I strongly believe that we should all be happy for my grandma now that she has found love. And not just love… True love! Isitoshe, she is tying the knot soon. We shall be having a wedding guys! Harusi tunayo hatuna?

“Mwezi wa kumi (October for those who are still counting). Hata mimi nataka wewe nipangie mimi nguo ya harusi.” Responds my grandma.

At this point my mum couldn’t breathe because she was laughing so hard. Heeeiiiraaas! I quickly think of moving to a different spot for some privacy but I was raised to ignore the naysayers. So, I tell my grandma:

“Wow! Congratulations! Mimi niko tayari. Nguo nayo hatuwezi kosa. Sema tu siku uko tayari tuanze kutafuta.”

Yes! Ndio maana mimi napigia wewe. Na ambia mama yako asikuje kwa harusi yangu! Nilimwambia Tiende obam akimuuliza kama yeye ni mtoto wangu aseme yeye ni dada yangu mdogo akakataa. Unajua sitaki mzee wangu aone ni kama mimi ni mzee sana… Tiende Obam lazima aone mimi ni manyanga yawa!” Replies my grandma amid laughter. She has a tendency of laughing at her own jokes.

“Lakini Mungu ni nani! Tiende Obam amekukubali vile ulivyo! See God!!” I respond trying hard to not laugh.

At this point, you are still wondering about my mum huh? Yeah, she was still laughing….. under the table. Her disrespect for true love is sickening *rolls eyes* It is the disrespect for me! That is not very lit fam!! *rolls eyes again*

I wind up the phone call assuring my grandma of my resolute support for her relationship. Do you guys think that being a relationship advisor is easy? Huh? Especially when you have never seen the groom to be? Anyway, I am still glad to be part of their amazing love story. Words can’t even express my gratitude and joy. Now if you will excuse me, I have a wedding to plan for.

Have a blessed week and may karakta development fail to locate you in Jesus name! Till we meet, mkae freshi barida.

So misunderstood, but what’s a world without enigma?

Lil Wayne