I find matatu rides interesting. My commutes to and from work are usually drama packed because for some reason, drama loves to follow me like bad luck. So today, I compiled a list of my matatu drama stories that I posted on social media in 2019 for your reading and rereading pleasure. (I apologize for anyone who doesn’t understand Swahili. Anyway, enjoy:

I am on my way home in a matatu where roaches are cat walking or rather crawling freely utadhani wako kwa red carpet ya Grammy’s. Lakini hizi mende za siki hizi hazina heshima hata chembe! What happened to roaches hiding in the dark and stuff? Zinajianika hapa kama slay queens kwa Instagram chaaaiii! Na hizi pesa zote tunalipa kama fare haziwes kufumigate hizi matatu surely? Anyway wacha nifike mtaa nisalimie mafans (read mama mboga) na niende dundain (read club Keja).

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In a matatu headed to town. Conda akichukua fare akaniuliza “Unaenda Tao mum?” Now JLO’s I Ain’t Your Mama is ringing in my head.

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Leo nimeskia dawa ya mende ikiuzwa na accent pale Kawangware, “Dzawa ya meinde, dzawa ya kunguini, dzawa ya kiroboro, dzawa ya wadzudzu! Eeeii! Awuoro!

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Attention ladies!! Kama ni wewe uko na sponsor mwenye alikupigia akiwa hospitali leo at around 11:30, akikuambia venye amepark Mercedes yake tao, usikubali kudanganywa. Mraiya alipanda Citi Hoppa moja na mimi after kutoka hosi. Alikuwa amevaa suti ya blue na ako na upara. Sijui kama nilikuwa naona zangu ama iyo ni app ya Tala niliona amefungua? Anywei, please investigate that sponyo. Usiseme haukuambiwa. Take heart my sister. #FixingTheNation #ChanuaMdadaTings

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The conda of the matatu that I boarded today was just amazing. Alirudisha change bila kuulizwa, akaannounce kila stage na psyche ndio watu wasipitishwe, alafu watu wa mwisho wa gari tukanunuliwa ndizi ya kutuliza njaa.Isitoshe akatushukisha stage akituwish a good night.Wapi makofi ya huyu muungwana jameni?

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I have had a very dramatic week as afar as matatus are concerned and yesterday evening was the climax of it all. I got to the matatu stage near Wood Avenue in Kilimani at around 5:45 pm. The condas had doubled the fare to Kawangware and the people there (me included) refused to board their matatus until the fare was normalized. We went on to complain about how these condas were mistreating our pockets! How their matatus still remain the leading distributor of bed bugs and roaches despite making tons of money from Kenyans. How most of these condas are always unkempt and rude.

“Mmejenga nyumba wapi na venye mnatuibia kila siku? Kazi yenu ni kulala kwa vibanda kwa sababu hii pesa ya wizi haiwasaidii” A middle aged man shouted at a conda.

His sentiments were followed by cheers from the crowd. We continued to chase away any conda that was overcharging. At some point people began pelting stones at the mathrees. I felt that was completely unnecessary because an innocent person could have gotten hurt. We stood firm! We got what we wanted at the end of the day! Even though I got home late, it was for a damn bloody worthy cause!

Before alighting I asked the donda to give me back my change and he asked,“Ulinipa pesa ngapi?“

“Mia!” I replied confidently even though I had given him 50 bob. #WakituibiaTunawaibia #UjingaNdioHatupendi #WapiMakofiYaKawangwareMatatuActivists #TupatanePalePaleWadau #StageNiIleIle #BeiNiIleIle #PundaAmechoka #SambaryRegulateTheseMatatuFaresAmaTutajiamuliaBei

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On my way home I sat between a young dude and an old lady in a Citi Hoppa. Then I remembered a certain funny meme and my efforts to hold in the laughter failed terribly. Nilijipata tu nimeburst into laughter aki. The old woman joined me but the dude could only afford to give us a death stare. Swali ni: Were we laughing using your mouth? Were we stretching your facial muscles tukicheka? How many kilo joules of your calories did we burn tukicheka? Kicheko isiyo yako yakiwashia nini? Are you us? Are we you? Ungecheka ungeloose nini?

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Today morning I sat next to a certain gentleman who had purple cuff links and a silver watch in the mathree. Kidogo kidogo he tells me, “Hi, don’t you think we are destined to be together? We both have silver watches and my cufflinks match with your handbag.” Yaani ni day one na tushavaa matching outfits?

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Last Sunday evening, I blocked a guy after he paid my fare from town in a matatu. I had insisted on paying my own fare lakini boy child ni nani?Ever since I blocked that guy, I have been getting terrible luck in mathrees aki! From sitting next to a guy who kept farting to losing my wallet to a pick pocket.Is this guy dealing with me traditionally? Sambarry tell me.#KujitegemeaNiKuzuri #TendaWemaNendaZako #MasaibuYataishaLini #MniombeeGuys

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Lakini masaibu haziishi hii Nairobi. Leo karibu wig yangu ing’oke nikipanda matatu. Yaani nitamiss kuulizwa ‘beb umekula?’ alafu bado nipambane na wig snatching matatus? Sambarry hold me I am getting sendimendo.

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Matatu drivers need to be more cautious on the roads. Mwingine amepita bump vibaya hapa nikaend up nimegonga mjamaa alikuwa amekaa mbele yangu ngoto, nikichukua change from the conda.Upara ngumu, smooth, round hujui nywele inaanzia wapi forehead inaanzia wapi?

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Today evening I sat next to the driver in a 14 seater matatu ride back from work. Leona Lewis’ Bleeding Love was playing and I couldn’t stop myself from singing along. My sexy voice.. (that’s a story for another day) Kidogo kidogo, the music goes off and I look at the dere like, “warris happening?” and he says, “Beyonce, tumezima mziki uimbe.”

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Conda anahike fare alafu ukiingia ndani ya mat mmeekewa gospel music, “Bless the Lord oh my soul”Which soul? Which soul? Nanzenze!!

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Leo nimepanda matatu mzee nikirudi home. Yaani ilikuwa mzee, mpaka tumekuja tukitetema.#ItwasAssembledWhenBulletBrasWereTheInThing #TulitetemaBilaMziki #2HoursToGetHome #UstakeJuaVenyeTulikwama #HataSaiBadoNatetema

Conda anahike fare alafu ukiingia ndani ya mat mmeekewa gospel music, “Bless the Lord oh my soul” Which soul? Which soul? Nanzenze!!

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Ukiwa kwa mat enjoying the music alafu kidogo Kidogo mziki inazimwa na mtu anasimama kushout, “Nawasalimu katika Jina La Mkombozi Yesu Christo!” #MbikosOfWhy? #NaHawachukuiSadakaYaCoins #TutafungaMachoAjeNapickpocketsWamejaaKwaMatatu #NaSautiZaoNiZaAjabu #WarrisThis

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Yaani nimeanza wiki na conda kusahau kuniitisha fare, Lord is that you preparing me for a week of free matatu rides and big savings? Speak oh Lord thy servant is listening.

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Dear Conda, siwezi kukupa pesa ya the new generation notes alafu wewe unanirudishia change ya noti mzee, zinakaa zilitumiwa na Dedan Kimathi kununua gun powder! No! That is like you are money abusing me!

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Today morning while walking to our office building, I remembered one of my late dad’s jokes. The joke is still so funny years later, that I found myself covering my mouth while feigning a cough in order to hide my laugh. I did not want to look like a crazy woman laughing alone in the streets you know. I continued laughing all the way to the first loo in the office building because my tears of laughter had turned into the tears of pain.Damn! Death is such a bitch!

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Ladies tukubaliane tafadhali kama umevaa wig using’ang’anie matatu priss

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Nauliza na sio kwa ubaya, matatu preachers kama ni Habari njema mnatuletea mbona huwa mmebonda sura? Ama hakuna cha kusmile ukieneza injili? Sielewi jameni

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On my way home today I sat next to this daughter of zion whose eyes were glued on my phone. #KusomaTextsZanguNaBaeIlikusaidaje? #HaungeangaliNjeKamaWenzako? #SiUngewatchRidimIlikuwaKwaScreen?#AmaUlikuwaUnaproofreadMyTexts?

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Conda wa matatu asked for my number in exchange for a free ride. Nikampa business card ya a certain insurance sales rep na nikamwambia ni yangu anipigie kesho. Modern problems require modern solutions. #WeAreFixingThisCountry

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Leo nikishuka matatu the preacher akaniangalia alisema,”Wengine wenu hamjawahi toa sadaka lakini mnasubiri baraka zake Bwana Mungu”Just so we are clear hata next time pia sitoi sadaka. #KutoaNiMoyo #SinceWhenDidYouBecomeSoEntitled #ItIsMyMoneyNotOurMoney

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I thought I had seen it all in my matatu rides until today when a preacher greeted us saying “Wamlambez!”Brethren vita zangu sasa ni na kiroho sio za kimwili. I kif up

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Hakuna watu husupply hizi coins mzee hii Kenya kama conda wa mathree! Pthoo yawa!

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Dere wa mat akichange station to Maina and King’ang’i na wewe ulikuwa unafuatilia story iko Patanisho.

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So umeingia kwa matatu iko quiet and peaceful alafu unaamua utatuchezea mziki yako. #NaniAmekupaIyoTender #IsItMusicOfLife #HunaEarphones #WeweNiNani Fanya ivi buda, enda ukanyambe huko!

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I boarded a certain mat on my way home. Safari ilikuwa poa hadi venye tulishtukia mlango imeng’oka. Tumekuja kama conda anaishikilia ikiwa juu ya gari. Dear conda, are we a joke to you?

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Last Friday evening, I sat next to gentleman who offered to pay my fare. Because I know that in this Nairobi nothing comes for free, I politely declined his offer, but he insisted.I accepted his offer hoping that this was not in exchange for my number because honestly, my phone book cannot accommodate one more number that I am sure will land in the block list. But this guy just wanted to pay my fare. He didn’t bother me with meaningless vibes, ask for my number or even follow me to my house (this was my biggest fear). He went on to plug in his earphones and even bade me goodbye when alighting.I feel inspired to pay a stranger’s matatu fare this week. I guess not everyone in this Nairobi always expects something in return for their kindness. Have a blessed week.Remember to be kind to others.

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Na hii baridi ya asubuhi unaingia kwa mat unakaa kando ya msee ameinsist kufungua dirisha ati kabaridi kaingie. Cheki buda tembea na fridge yako kama unataka baridi.Funga iyo dirisha!! Nonsense!

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Yaani huyu conda anaanzaje kutucharge 100 Bob kwenda Uthiru? Kwani tunaenda mbinguni?

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Mtu hapa ameambia conda angoje amalize level ya game anacheza kwa simu, ndio amlipe fare. It is too early yawa!

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Today kuna a driver alinisplashia maji after nimeshuka kwa mat. Pangs of poverty hit my soul! #ICantDoThis #INeedASponsor #KwaGroundTunachafuliwaNaMwoshoMmoja

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To the matatu driver who was speeding the mat nilipanda on Friday evening. Just know ulinirusha vibaya kwa bump nikadungwa haga na iyo buckle ya seat belt! And my ass still hurts! Nani atanilipia fare leo?

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Leo asubuhi nimeingia kwa mat poa sana. Ze Bluetooth dewice ilikuwa inachuna the best hip hop mix ever.Na nilikuwa nimekaa kwa dirisha so I was the window controler.Conda pia akaona fare sitalipa, heri nilipe kwa viusasa.Kazi mzuri bro!I am out here feeling like a G meen!

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Have a drama free and fantastic week.