A certain reader reached out to me on my inbox and confessed her love for my articles especially the ones done on types of various people. According to this reader, her favorite piece was Types of Cousins and she confirmed that she was the Mama Assembly type of cousin. I may never say this enough times but I really love and appreciate reader feedback because after all, this blog was created for you my dear readers. So kama you are not feeling special today and you read this blog, imagine naandika hivi vyote juu yako mteule.
Anywayssssss! I want to make this reader’s wish for another of her favorite types of blogs by Agitah come true today. But before I do that, I want to address the readers who keep asking about my relationship with my office boyfriend. Si mnapenda udaku….. John and I share a special friendship and sorry to burst your bubble but we ain’t dating actually never have dated. For Pete’s sake John has a family (an imaginary one) of 5 children and 2 wives and unlike some of y’all, mimi naheshimu ndouwa, sasawa? Our bond is founded on getting on each other’s nerves and arguing through work projects but we still survive. Our over 4 year old relationship has seen it all …..dating rumors, marriage proposal rumors, break up rumors and I even once heard someone say that John and I secretly got married! Wueh! Guys mutu hawezi kuwa na office boyfriend wake kwa amani? Despite the many ways in which he has been such a rat on de haiwei, he still as a special place in my heart. But surely John, who puts spacing between emojis when texting?
I asked people on my WhatsApp contact list to share some of the types of colleagues they have encountered at work and compiled the report below. Shout out to everyone who shared their thoughts, you are the real MVPs. Without any further ado let’s get to the types of colleagues you will meet at the work place.
This chap is such a people pleaser, never questions management decisions, never challenges his superiors and is always breaks his or her back to impress the management. These are the persons who always promise to deliver within unreasonable timelines which only cast an unhealthy work life imbalance in their lives.
A small promotion will bring out the asshole in this one. A small supervisory role in a project will have them acting like the sun rises and sets in their butts and they breathe in flavored oxygen.
These are the masters of side hustles. Ever selling stuff or services to their fellow colleagues to make extra coins. Sometimes their side hustles eat into work time but who cares? They came to make money, not to admire desks and buildings or complain about little pay.
Research shows that this breed hails mostly from the IT and Finance Departments. They are ever showering their office girlfriends with undivided attention when at work and may even threaten the stability of their office girlfriends’ actual relationships. From buying lunch to cooking for them, office boyfriend hujituma kujituma. Nakuuliza tena mheshimiwa, ngeus ama bibi yako ako na office boyfriend ama niwachane na relationship yenu?
This is the colleague whose fashion sense will make even the most stylish celebs look like rats on de haiwei (OK, I overuse this phrase but itabidi mzoee). This type of people are ever well put together. Even on terrible days, they will still rock that suit or dress with so much confidence, grace and class. They are always smelling good too. Lord! How I wish my enthusiasm to dress up for work daily would touch the hem of thy garment.
Lotus Flower Bomb
When singer Erykah Badu and rapper Common broke up, Common said that Erykah’s lady parts could take a man to another universe. Miss Lotus flower bomb here believes that her ginene is the bomb, and there are no doors that it can’t open for her. Usually the office is filled with rumors of her affairs with superior staff members in exchange for favors at work, something that she does very little to deny. While some of this type get to the top (no pun intended), others fail terribly. All in all, these type of women at work give Maverick Aoko sleepless nights that is why she bashes them online daily.
This one hails from a very well to do family. Most of the time other colleagues will wonder why the rich kids come to work and put up with employment isht, yet they can afford to live life off the lap of luxury without stepping in the office. The sad fact is that most of them are usually surrounded by work ‘friends’ who just want to benefit off their wealth and influence.
Unbelievably lazy! It is a miracle that they still have a job. Most of them own huge ass water bottles which are refiled with warm water and slices of lemon after every second. They spend more time at the dispenser than at their work stations.
This ninja here is normally on a mission to have the highest body count as far as his colleagues are concerned. Usually, the sleeping around is for the sole purpose of bragging to his friends or asserting his power if he is in senior management, among other flimsy reasons. But be careful with these ones as they hawk diseases and heart break like they are getting a heft pay check for each disease and heartbreak caused.
Always cracking jokes and sharing memes. Really bubbly and amazing to be around. Is usually the MC during work parties and meetings.
This is the colleague who makes you look forward to going to work. They say that we go to work to make money not friends but this colleague proves the inaccuracy of this statement. You always go for lunch together and even stay in touch on off days and weekends. Hey Dada Betty?
Do you have a married colleague who is always asking you when you will tie the knot? So annoying right? This colleague takes every opportunity to remind you of the good tidings that come with being married and is ever flaunting the things done to them by their spouse. “You know my husband blinked his eyes yesterday!” Mara ooh! “My wife breathes in oxygen. You should get a wife too.”
Live above their means. Ever in debt trying to show off non-existent wealth. The details of their lives are usually scanty and contradicting. Actively contributes to the rising percentage of conmen and conwomen in the country. If you love yourself, stay the fuck away from this type.
Future Tenant of Heaven
Take every opportunity to flaunt their faith. Always blasting religious songs from their laptops and sharing unsolicited bible and inspirational quotes on the work WhatsApp groups. Annoying as fuck. Don’t get me started on their horrible ringtones and lengthy sermons on how you will go straight to hell.
This is the rumor broadcaster of the office. Has all the intel on the latest gossip and does a good job in spreading them. Usually very loud and can’t keep a secret. The sound track of their life is probably:
Natamani kunyamaza aah, Lakini si rahisi
Natamani kunyamaza Messiah, Naomba,
‘Wacha kujirombosa kwa watu kama maroroi.’ is one of my small bro’s favorite quotes. This special type comprises of people who like forcing issues and friendships at work. They usually have a bad habit(s) like being a snitch or weirdly weird, that most people can’t stand hence tend to get isolated by colleagues. This usually forces them to throw themselves at people by trying to force conversations which is usually nothing short of pathetic.
This colleague acts like he/she doesn’t have a salary. Ever unkempt and stingy. Loves to save on costs no matter what. Would rather die than spend money.
My Dear Bottle
Loves alcohol a tad too much. Functional alcoholic. Usually has underlying emotional issues. Sad thing is that most employers wait for this one to become a dysfunctional alcoholic so as to dismiss him or her. They are usually a testament to the fact that a good number of employers care less about the well being of their staff. The minute you become useless to them, they get rid of you mapema very fast. Guard you heart and mental health folks.
This type is comprised of people who have their shit together. Everything about them from work to personal life seems to be figured out and they are literally everyone’s envy.
Overly devoted to their job. Go over and above to get the work done. Their loyalty to their job is unmatched. Literally the employee of the decade.
Which type of colleague are you? Ama which ones have I left out? Share in the comments.
Have a blessed week.
Be your own king, make nobody come rule your world.Shatta Wale