I am the eldest child in a family of three girls. My younger sisters Nyawanda and Kavevi (their real names are Regina and Maryann respectively) are taller than me so I literally look up to them when addressing them. Growing up, Kavevi and I would always gang up against Nyawanda. We made the perfect team, I mean, Nyawanda was the stubborn middle child while Kavevi and I were the ‘good’ girls tihihi! Plus Nyawanda doesn’t resemble us at all. We got dad’s big eyes and forehead while she didn’t. But here is the thing, if dad’s eyes were a shot of whisky, then I took only one shot while Kavevi took three hehehe! We both inherited mum’s uneven skin tone huhuhu! While Nyawanda boasts of a beautiful, even tone and dark skin. Nyawanda got mum’s straightforwardness (something I really envy about her) she hits you with the headline, unlike Kavevi and I who hate hurting other people’s feelings so we tend to dance around issues. So, Kavevi and I had each other’s backs at all times, from dad’s lectures to mum’s beatings to bullies wa mtaa. This super team of ours was on until early last year when I realized that I had been ditched for Nyawanda. Nowadays Kavevi would rather hang out with Nyawanda than me. In fact, she only hangs out with me when am spoiling or paying her (how pathetic! I have to pay my own sister to chill with me). Imagine, she has saved me on her phone as ‘Agnes’ while Nyawanda has been saved as ‘Sweerie’ hata sijaskia kulia!

So because, am no longer Kavevi’s favorite sister, my two sisters gang up against me all the time, maybe because am not as tall as they are. In fact, the kind of affection I get from them comes in form of super tough love! While I call them sweet names like ‘Sweerie’ or ‘Dear’ they call me annoying names like ‘Agneta’ or when am lucky, ‘Huyu Dem’ *dramatically cries up careful not to ruin her mascara* lakini Mungu halali! On good days my unflattering photos appear on their WhatsApp status with unflattering captions like “Kazi ya huyu dem ni kurarua tu!” or “Somebody take this girl away from me.” So the other Sunday morning, I was pretending to be asleep when I overheard the conversation between these two. Basically, they were just saying how they feel lucky to have me and how I have a great sense of fashion! Yes even I couldn’t believe it! Kavevi even went on to say how she totally digs my natural hair vibes. Common wisdom dictated that I should have continued to fake sleep to hear more but because I can so stupid, and it felt so damn good to hear them say nice things about me, I began smiling with my eyes closed. Next thing I heard Kavevi say, “Cheki huyu dem anasmile akilala na antuchelewesha kwenda church!” then Nyawanda was quick to add “Agie hebu amka twende church! Hakuna machine yenye itakubeba ikupeleke kwa bafu!” Oh boy! There was my morning doze of tough love!

Before I proceed, one or two weeks ago, I received a text on messenger from a lady by the name Vivian Oyoo. She is all about girl power and she wanted to interview me in her blog. The last time I did an interview, I was on the interviewer’s end where I got to ask track producers silly questions like, “Of all your productions, which song is your favorite?” Most of the time they would giggle and reply, “That’s a tough one Agnes!” That used to be my favorite part of the interview by the way. I miss interviewing beats masters, I think they are a really dope people. I would love to interview them all especially Naiboi and Maleek Berry. Speaking of Naiboi, have you heard his new song with the lovely Rosa? Check it out here then still complain that Kenyan music sucks hohoho! I looove this one! The vocals, the beats, the lyrics! Good job guys! So anyway, I told Vivian that I was OK with an interview and she sent me the questions on WhatsApp. I have been an insomniac lately so I delivered my responses at very ungodly hours. Those students who doze off during maths lessons, can you share some sleep with a sister here? You can check out the interview in the link here

Anyway, the second day of December 2017 was the day that the certitude of my father’s death slapped me real hard. Lowering his coffin into his grave was such a reality check, that I couldn’t cry. When my father’s body was still at the morgue, I would get dreams of doctors at Aga Khan calling to tell me that they had made a mistake, dad was actually alive. Those dreams would look so real I tell you. The other day Kavevi told me that she was worried about my behavior lately. Apparently, she said that ever since dad died, I have been joking and laughing a tad too much, she thinks, that is me trying to cope with the realities of dad’s death. May be she is right….. I don’t know. Our old man loved seeing us happy. He would annoy you, then ask you to smile and if you didn’t smile, he would crack a joke and within no time you would be laughing like a person high on weed for the first time. So I guess am trying to be happy because dad loved seeing us happy. His face would light up up when we laughed at his jokes. His stories contained a lot of exaggeration and I miss them…….so much. OK, I have a lot digressed there, back to Kavevi, she also added that my appetite has increased significantly and she was worried because she has been unable to see the results as I am still as skinny as before. Hapo hukuniambia vizuri.

A few days after we buried dad, I was just chilling in our homestead when my cousin Cecil asked me if I wanted to go for an adventure. Actually the exact words he used were, “Agie, will you be my parcel to Migori?” I was already used to him making fun of my body size so my response was, “Cool no biggie!” I was down for anything. Anything that would stop me from drowning in sorrow. My skin was dull and a generous host to large, ugly patches of eczema and my ointment was like a toothless dog. Those creepy a$$ motherf*ckers always visit when am stressed. Plus I was sulking about a friend who was a complete no show from the time dad fell sick to the time he was buried! I watched this ‘friend’ blue tick me in all avenues of communication only for the ‘friend’ to call a million days after the burial. This was a ‘friend’ that I stood by through thick and thin. It was another scenario of me thinking that I meant the whole world to someone when I actually meant a small remote village with no roads, no electricity and no permanent structures hehehe! But like I always say, this blog is all about positive vibes so no worries I have learnt to lower expectations ever since and it’s been a bliss guys.

Anyway, where was I? I was telling you about the events that took place after dad’s burial. Nyawanda had gone back to school because she had end semester exams. Kavevi was wallowing in sadness and when I invited her to join me in the adventure, she turned down the offer, a decision she later regretted. So in short, I went on the most amazing adventure with my three cousins; Cecil, Paul Ollando and Don. These three awesome dudes (I like to call them, ‘Ze Brodas’) made it their sole mission to wipe all traces of sadness from my face. My uncle (Cecil’s dad, God bless you) lent us his car and we were off to explore. Thank God I had sorted my leave days with HR. Now here is the thing, each one of us had obligations to each other and our JDs were as follows:

Ze Brodas’ duties to their sister.

  • Help their sister around, especially in rocky places like Kit Mikai.
  • Guard her from Team Mafisi Sacco members. (Cecil has a PHD in this.)
  • Open and close doors for her. Chivalry reloaded. (mostly done by Paul Don. I got so used to this, that I waited for a conda to hold my hand down the matatu only for him to shout, “Madam, toa jam! Mwisho wa gari oyee!” and reality hit me real hard.)
  • Ensure that she sleeps under a treated mosquito net. (Cecil)
  • Prepare a mouthwatering breakfast for her. (Yaaas! Ze brodas can cook ladies!)
  • Be the selfie stick or hold the actual selfie stick during our numerous photo sessions. (Paul Don and Paul Ollando)
  • Wake her up for a day full of adventure. (This was Cecil’s area of expertise, he did this job very poorly though. Who wakes their sister up shouting? And calling her annoying names like, “Wordpress!” Since when did I become an app? Huh? I hope that is not how you will be waking up my in law! Chokee! Ladies love to be woken up gently. Thank me later bro! Thank me later!)
  • Help their sister locate fine brodas. (They did a poor job on this one, because every time, I spotted a hot dude, they would start making fun of him and this often resulted to a premature end of crush.)

Agnes’ duty to Ze Brodas

  • Be their sister.
  • Be their adorable and loving sister at all times
  • Cook and clean.
  • Help them spot fine ghels. (Guys, I had to take one for the team)

I will be sharing stories from our adventures in this series so stay tuned.